Relationships are normally no conversation zones for me. Why? you might ask. Well, the simple answer is “This a personal space, which I am not sure if I am ready to hear what others have to say or vice versa.” But this story made me overthink and leading to this post.
We all have that one friend who is obsessively into someone, I am sorry to say but especially us girls we all know this particular person or we are the one.
I will let you in the story. About a month ago, a friend shared a link to this tv show and the topic of that particular day was “Mon ex… Mon amour éternel?” which translates to “My ex. My eternal love?”. The lady on the show that day had issues with getting over her ex. It had been two years that these two were separated but she still was holding on this lost relationship. She did a lot of unspeakable things to get back this guy who would occasionally just show up in her life, in my own opinion for his own satisfaction. The lady had her ” click” moment when this guy asked her to get into a polygamous marriage and explained to her how he will be doing her a favour.
On that note; let me pause for you to have a screaming, cursing whatever reaction the audacity of this trash man just triggered.
Now that you have let out your anger, does this story seem that foreign to you? I am sorry if this question triggers other emotions but honestly, we have some talking to do. How many times will you give up on our own independence and happiness for someone else? How many times have will you sit staring at your phone hoping for that text? How many times will you show up to parties just in hopes of seeing them? How many times will you accept to become an option?
Now that I have given you something to think about, this is a great time to ask yourself how did I get here? Was it a booty call went wrong? Was it a breakup? Or actually has there ever been any relationship, to begin with, or was it all playing in your head?
All these questions lead to one simple word rejection. With rejection, it is normal and healthy for people to reflect on what they’ve learned from the past relationship and what they want to improve in the next one. Healthy behaviour can become an unhealthy one, though, when people take it too far and begin to question their own basic worth.
By losing one’s basic worth, we start over-idealizing the other. We refuse to see them for what they really are, and put them up on an impossible pedestal of greatness that is neither accurate nor healthy. We start over-romanticizing the pain that comes with their thought. When we over-idealize our partners, rather than accepting the part they played in the split, it can cause us to pine for a person that never really existed in the first place.
The good news is that even though it seems impossibly hard, getting over this person is possible. Once you’ve spotted the signs that you’re holding yourself back, you can take charge of your life (and your heartbreak) by learning how to talk about where you’re at, expanding your concept of self and redefining the things that make you feel truly joyful, happy and at ease with the world around you.
Take time and reflect on that relationship and take time to grieve. Reflection is one of the most powerful tools in healing, but it’s one that requires a little know-how. Looking back over our relationships can uncover a lot of learning, that empowers us to make better choices in future and create personal relationships that are both more efficient and more fulfilling. That takes some honesty, however, and it takes the understanding that getting better is always a little uncomfortable.